Old Candy Critic Articles - Candy as a Class Distinction

I've decided to take down several old articles from the candycritic.org and re-post them here on the Candy Critic blog.  This week, I'm re-publishing an article written by my friend Brent Forrest all about how to eat certain popular treats.

When to savour and when to just get it over with.

I cannot claim to be as passionate about sugary treats as my friend Chris Stewart. Personally, too many sweets make my insides ache. But I have learned one subtle delight in enjoying your favourite confectionary is the all-but-forgotten sensation of savouring. You know that commercial where the two girls suck on Aero bars and then go into fits of ecstasy when the bubbles melt? Yeah it’s like that, but Aero is the worst example because that porous array of chocolate doesn’t melt like you’d expect, it just turns into one big awkward mush and in the end you find yourself asking, “What’s up with this chocolate to empty space ratio?” Anyway, I could go on and on but I think you get the idea. Here, then, for your edification is my guide to candies that deserve savouring, and others that aren’t so lucky.

Aero bars: Gobble Quickly. Regardless of what the recent campaign may suggest, those bubbles don’t melt with any rewarding properties.

Hershey Solid Chocolate: Savour Slowly. I can make one of these bars last the entire 45-minute subway ride home. A pleasant experience, even if the chocolate sometimes tastes like rotten bananas. (Note: don’t eat these bars if they appear to be covered in a dusty white film – I don’t know what causes this but does it ever taste awful.)

Eat Mores: Gobble Quickly. Have you ever tried to let one of these things melt in your mouth? All you get is a mouthful of chopped peanuts and hurt feelings. These babies are best in wintertime when they get all hard and tough, the perfect thing to keep your jaw working and your face warm. One bar should last a minute at most.

Skittles: Savour Slowly. The great thing about Skittles is that the different colours actually represent different flavours, so as you let these morsels melt in your mouth you can achieve levels of flavour satisfaction too profound to expound upon. One bag should last an hour.

Twix: It’s a toss up. While the chocolate and caramel are good for a slow melt, you’ll end up with a soggy cookie in your mouth, and no matter how patient you are, you’re gonna have to chomp down on that sucker sooner or later. So some might argue that chomping quickly is the way to go, to achieve maximum crunchy satisfaction, others may say that soggy cookies are awesome so it’s tough to say. Eat time: ten seconds to half an hour.

Skor: Savour Slowly. If you eat this one too quickly you’ll have toffee in your fillings for weeks. These ones can last a long, long time.

Gum (Any variety): One thing I can’t stand is to see someone chewing on the same piece of gum for longer than five minutes. Gum flavour gets absorbed quickly, so I suggest eating the whole pack in one go. Having quit smoking recently, I feel I just cannot eat enough gum, but it’s more for oral fixation than anything else. I don’t know, chew gum however you like.

Clodhoppers: Eat Quickly. These things are deadly, Chris turned me on to them not a while back, and boy am I hooked, I went looking for them at the pharmacy just the other day only to find they didn’t stock the small packs anymore and just had the giant holiday box. I bought it anyway and dug right in on the walk back home – I was getting pelted by freezing rain, but I didn’t care. The moral of the story is that when you let these oversized boogers of fudge melt in your mouth, the result is a very unhappy wad of soggy rice crispies, and that’s just not kosher. Gobble these bad boys as fast as you can; don’t let anybody else have any! Eat time for one giant holiday box: 5 minutes.

And there you have it, my totally non-suggestive guide on how to suck on things. I hope that you’ve found the experience educational and practical. It just goes to show that your mother was right when she said not to wolf your food down. Savour the moment and open your heart to the utmost of flavour sensations! Now go forth my young disciples, and experience candy in a whole new way – think of those starving kids in Ethiopia, that helps.

CC