I've decided to take down several old articles from the candycritic.org and re-post them here on the Candy Critic blog. This week is an article I wrote after eating some pretty rotten candy.
You might think this article is all about that strange candy, like a pickle flavoured lollipop, salted plums, or meat flavoured ice cream. Well it's not. This is all about eating the wrong candy at the wrong time or wrong place. It could be as subtle as eating chocolate covered coffee beans right after brushing your teeth or it could be as bad as eating a Halls lozenge that's been sitting in a drawer for 2 years. As you know every editorial is based off an experience and this is no different. Even while I write this, I'm suffering through a nasty little cold/flu. Being the “Candy Critic” I figured that all the answers to my illness lie in the candy drawer. After digging through my massive candy stash, sitting at the bottom, was a very beat up package of cherry Halls. Once again candy comes through for me. Is there nothing in the world that candy can't fix?
The first thing that would have come to mind had I been in a right state of mind, would have been the fact that I don't really remember having a Halls in the candy drawer. Having said that candy almost never steers me wrong so my cure must be at hand, or so I thought. Let me make something very clear to everybody reading this, never eat really old Halls. If cough syrup could rot, that's exactly what this tasted like. A smart man would have spit out the candy, but me I figured I could just bite right through it and all would be fine. Candy why would you treat me this way?
I've also had some pretty bad chocolate bar experiences when exploring a new corner store that hasn't updated their candy shelves since the Carter administration. Right before this flu hit me, hey wait this might explain everything, I was in a store and craving something sweet, this store was a little scary. On one shelf was a bag of kitty litter, a bottle of olive oil (which I think Zeus himself pressed), and a watch battery, that was all. So this was not the best store in the world, but as you know a candy fix must be met, so I figured I would go for a Kit Kat bar, one of my favorites.
I learned a valuable lesson about the freshness of chocolate that day. When I opened the bar it practically turned into dust in my hands. It was as if I had unearthed a relic from the great tombs of Egypt. Desperate for anything sweet, I bit into this bar, and I tell you it had to be the worst tasting bar I have ever had in my life. I don't blame the Kit Kat folks, since I'm sure they wouldn't recommend eating a 20 year old chocolate bar, but heed this warning never eat old chocolate.
My final tale of eating old candy has to be the dumbest one, on my part, yet. When I was a kid I would always stash candy all over the house, and I think my Mom did too. Because every once in a while I would find treats I knew nothing about, hiding around the house. Well one day while playing in the basement in a back room I came across a can of caffeine free A&W root beer. At least I'm sure that's what it said. The label was so faded you could hardly read it and there was a little bit of rust on the top. Even as a child I couldn't resist the sight of a treat going uneaten. So I opened it up and took a big gulp. To this day I find it difficult to drink root beer, I generally don't mind it but that first gulp brings back memories of a flavour to horrible to describe.